My mom died. What!!!!???? Without warning…not real warning, like I expected it warning, but gentle, you need to be tuned in warning. I know all the signs, I saw them all, but we had been going through this all fucking year! There was no way in hell that this was it. I got on the ride and I jumped back off because I felt like I was getting all worked up again for nothing, only to find myself back here again in another month to six weeks to go through it again. Then she fucking did it.

Good for her!!!!! She fucking deserved it….she deserved the release, she deserves the glory and the bliss. She fucking deserved better than everything she ever fucking got!!!! I just can’t believe it.

She was at my house a week prior and didn’t look bad. She was in a good mood, seemed to be enjoying herself.

Anyways, my original point when I stared this was, how the fuck do you raise a girl? It’s the biggest job – EVER!!!!! How do you raise a girl when you’re broken and hard? How do you raise a girl when you were raised by someone who was broken? How do you teach them that they are exactly perfect, exactly the way they are, no matter what…no exceptions? Every moment, no matter how fucked up it may be, only lasts a moment. It’s perfect, it’s not forever, just for this second. You might change your mind in a minute or you might not and that’s ok.

I’ve been called bitch for most of my life and quite honestly, I’m quite fucking sick of it. Everyone who’s ever called me a bitch can fuck right off! If you think I’m a bitch, that’s your fucking problem. I own every one of my feelings. I take responsibility for my words, my actions and every fucking other thing. I didn’t have any choice. There was no one standing in front of me to help me or defend me. So I own it. All of it. But just because I will say shit that you think, but are too much of a pussy to say, does not make me a bad person or a bitch. You calling me a bitch makes you judgemental.

I’m so fucking tired of feeling the need to apologize for every god damned thing I think or say. Why am I responsible for your shit? Tell me. I don’t fucking make you responsible for mine. Why do I always have to humour you and pat your ego because I am too much for you? I’m not a monster. I’m not larger than life. Why do you react negatively to what you see. Why can’t you just own that part of yourself?

Does it really make you feel better to judge me for saying something that you think? Or do you really feel like a fraud? I’ve been around people like me….who say shit that you would really never say in public and you know what….it’s fucking hilarious….you know why… because everyone thinks it, but no one would ever fucking dare say it. I love that I’ve been around people comfortable enough with me to be themselves and say that shit. What the fuck do I care?! You had an opinion or thought shared by like 90% of the adult population…oh well. Good on ya! Why am I the asshole?

I think I’ve been in a shitty mood all day, I just wasn’t fully aware of it.  I’ve been waiting patiently for the right opportunity to take a two hour drive from home in order to get rid of some old stuff I’ve been hanging onto for years which will also bring in a little cash.  I thought I would be able to safely get away either yesterday or today, hoping to get it done with only two kids along for the ride instead of four.  Rather than do that, I’ve been waiting for the hospital to let me know when they were going to discharge my mom.  I absolutely did not want her being sent home by taxi.  I didn’t want her to feel like she has no one when that’s not the case.  Being that I don’t have a 9 to 5 tying me down it’s clear that my schedule is super flexible ie. I can be everywhere everyone wants/needs me to be because I don’t have anything else/better to do anyway.  That little bit of snippiness does not apply to today because I wanted to be there for my mom.  What it does apply to is that when I knew she was coming home today, I made plans to take my drive tomorrow.  Then my dear husband comes home, who knows exactly the best way, time, method, etc to do anything and everything even if he’s never actually done it.  So of course, tomorrow is the worst day to do this drive because the traffic is going to be horrendous and what if I don’t make it back by the time he’s done work?  Well, then, he’ll be left sitting here alone with nothing to do.  God fucking forbid that should ever happen!  He then goes on to tell me that I probably shouldn’t be running out to do this errand because I have so much cleaning to do around the house – spring cleaning.  Which I’ve already started!!!!  Oh and by the fucking way….I do a lot more than just clean the house!!!!  Are you serious?!  I’m fuming!  I can’t even express how disregarded and disrespected I feel.  This is when I start stomping my feet and put my bitch face on.  In my head I’m pulling out my 5 inch “don’t fuck with me” shoes and tap dancing all over his forehead all the while raging “don’t you know who the fuck you’re talking to!”.  That was my 20something year old self and sometimes I miss the little bitch.  She didn’t take shit from anyone.

After six years of staying home raising kids and losing any idea of who I might have been at one time, I see it ending.  I’ve only got a very few short months left with my little ones all to myself.  While I’m dreading it because I’m going to miss their adorable little faces, I’m also looking forward to finding something for myself again.  I want to know who I am now.  I want to know what I can do, find out what exactly I am capable of.

It’s hard growing up.  It’s sometimes very challenging to keep your mouth shut.  Everyday we are faced with things that frustrate and irritate us, but as an adult, we’re expected to keep hold of our emotions.  For the most part, it’s really not such a bad thing.  I am able, now, to catch myself as I’m forming a judgement in my mind and reaching a point of frustration where I might have said something before.  I am able to understand that the person I’m judging is simply venting or having a bad day and unloading to a trusted friend.  I can stop the judgement, hear them out and empathise.  Today, however, I have to admit, I was more than a little short tempered with one person.  I’ve been listening and supporting and empathising and counseling for months now.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve chosen to be there for that purpose.  What bothered me today was that when I may have needed some support, there was none.  There wasn’t even an acknowledgement that I might need some.  My situation was completely ignored and their “problems” were talked about for an hour and a half.  I am left feeling like if all you want is to hear the sound of your own voice, please call someone else as I have other things to do.  Hopefully, this was a one-off and my friend will remember that friendship goes both ways.

I am mid-pity party.  I’ve been in excruciating pain all week having had a slipped disc or two in my neck.  When I finally got into the chiropractor for an adjustment I almost cried. I still don’t have full mobility in my neck, but it’s better than it was.  It really is necessary to take care of myself because at this point, I am all used up.  I literally have nothing left to give.  I just have to dig a little deeper and find something to give to myself.

On a lighter note, a few good things that happened this week:

My eldest picked a book from the library and brought it home just for me.  When I saw it I was so touched.  She’s amazing!  She brought me a book all about Italy.  She knows I’m obsessed with going back there.  It’s amazing to know that she loves me back.

Today when I went to pick up my mom, the desk secretary introduced herself to me because we’ve spoken on the phone so many times over the past week and half.  She told me it was no bother that I had called so much because I was so nice to her!  🙂  That’s a first!  lol  There was one day where I had to hold my tongue with her, but also, again, caught myself and realized that she can only give me the information she has and she’s not just being difficult.

I bought a new nail polish for spring!  Yay!

I have started my spring cleaning, baseboards are sparkling and awaiting a fresh coat of paint.

I called a potential client tonight to let him know I couldn`t do what he had asked.  After that, I offered him a better alternative to what he had asked me for.  Then he asked if I could speak to CRA on his behalf, so I told him to get his papers together and I would try.  I`m going to be registering a new business because I let my business license expire – by accident.  But in the meantime, I also decided to register a completely new business – name and direction.  This client is right along the lines of what I was thinking.  Maybe this is going to be my new thing.  We`ll see.

100% of the time I wouldn`t want any life other than the one I`ve got.  There definitely are a few things I would tweak and will get to tweaking, but for the most part, I`ve got it pretty good.  I have the four most spectacular reasons on the planet for doing everything that I do.  I have been given the privilege of being their mother and of being allowed to watch them grow into whoever it is that they are.  That`s very exciting to me.  I can be patient a little while longer.

My mom had her surgery on Tuesday.  I had been forewarned by numerous people that anaesthetic can have nasty effects on those who suffer with dementia.  I was warned that she may not come out the way she went in.  I was also advised to begin looking into funeral arrangements.

The morning of her surgery she also had dialysis which takes a toll on her every time.  She often spends a lot of the day sleeping after dialysis.  She looked a little weak when I met her in dialysis and I asked her if she was alright to walk over to the outpatient surgery or if I should get her a wheelchair.  She said she was fine, but before we made it out of the unit she was dangerously close to falling.  I sat her down right away and got a wheelchair.

We waited a little while in outpatient surgery before two nurses came to go over her paperwork.  That took a while.  The nurse completing the paperwork was unable to figure out her meds or even follow a simple direction.  The other nurse couldn’t figure out how to dial a phone number as it was being recited to her.  I don’t what would/could have been the outcome if they had tried to figure it out on their own.

During the question period to complete the paperwork the nurse asks my mom if she’s recently been tested for C. Dif.  She calmly, without looking up, says to my mom, “You would know if you had been.”  At which point, I had to point out to her that she may in fact, not know if she had been.  I don’t think she liked that, but too bad.

They finally managed to get the chart completed and proceeded to take swabs and blood in order to prepare for surgery.  Having the IV put in was very uncomfortable for my mom.  I could see the pain so clearly on her face.  She became sad at one point as the full extent of her medical condition hit her.  She really, at that moment, had no idea she was so sick.  I thought that this could very well be it.  I thought the anaesthetic was going to do it.  That the surgery was going to be the thing that put her over.

Luckily, after all the time we spent working on that pre-op paperwork and making sure the nurses and doctors knew everything that they were dealing with, they decided not to knock her out.  Of course, I didn’t know this until hours later when the surgery had been done and they brought her to her room.

I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt.

I think I’ve been preparing myself for the past month or so for my mom’s passing.  I thought I had come to terms with it and I thought I was fairly prepared.  I saw her and she looked pretty good considering the day she’d had. I said to her “You’re already awake”, she replied, “I was awake for the whole thing.”  I said, “How was that?” and she was like, “It was fine.  I didn’t feel a thing.”  She still doesn’t.  The neuropathy is so bad that she’s just undergone a partial amputation with no pain whatsoever!  Talk about a strange blessing.  My husband suffered the worst pain due to severed nerves and phantom pain and because her nerves are already dead, she’s cruising through this like any other day.  In kind of a weird way, she’s lucky.  I’m glad she’s not suffering, because having seen it first-hand, I know it’s incredibly hard.

Yesterday I was wiped out.  I could barely function.  I got to the point where I literally couldn’t remember the last time I showered.  I have been holding all of this so tightly in my body that I felt like my entire back was broken.  Last night, instead of staying up late “to work on another project or something I “should” be doing”, I went to bed early.  This morning I set my alarm, got up before my kids and took a nice, long shower.  After I took my daughter to school, I went and had my brows done.  I finally felt like a human being again.

I am so happy they didn’t put her under.  I don’t know what would have happened if they had and I don’t know how I would have dealt with it.  I think I’m just going to have to enjoy whatever time is left and try not to prepare myself anymore.  I can’t spend the rest of her life worrying about the next thing that can hurt her or go wrong with her health.

For now, she is well enough and we have another day together.

Counting my blessings and being grateful.  🙂

This is a photo of a diabetic ulcer, one which is to result in an upcoming partial amputation of this foot.  The hole in this foot is over an inch deep and the infection goes into the bone.  This is what happens when you refuse to acknowledge what doctors tell you.  If a doctor tells you that you have diabetes, believe them.  If you don’t and you pretend that they’re wrong this could happen to you.  If you are a parent, please consider what this will mean for your child(ren) who are left to take care of you.

When I knew that I wanted to get pregnant with my first child, I quit smoking – 6 months before I went off the pill and started trying.  The way I saw it then, was that if I was going to have a kid, I no longer had the right to kill myself on the instalment plan.  I loved smoking!  I don’t know why because I was the most anti-smoking pre-teen on the planet.  When I did try it, I thought it was disgusting, but somehow I managed to keep at it until I a) got good at it and b) loved it.  Gross!  Thankfully, after I quit and started again and quit and started again, I finally quit for good.  I haven’t smoked in over three years and I no longer crave it and when I do get a whiff of it, it’s more yuck than yum.  That might sound really sick to someone who’s never smoked, but any smoker will get it.

Being the only person standing in the middle of a large circle of people who require constant care is exhausting.  I don’t want to sound like a baby, but I’m fucking tired.  I’m sad and I’m hurt and I’m run down.  I went through a period during my first pregnancy when I had so many horrible things happen at once, I don’t know how I got through it.  This period in my life is seemingly similar in that I’ve been dealing with one huge blow after another.  The difference is that 9/10 years ago everything happened within a very short time frame – literally only a few months, but it took a while to recover from it.  This time around, these huge events have been consistently happening for over a year and a half.  I’m trying so hard to not be completely overtaken by the things that are going on, telling myself not to worry.  I’ve been here before.  I know, that after spells like this, there is something glorious on the other side.  I’ve felt excitement (because I’m super impatient), like ok, I’ve taken the shit, now give me my prize.  Show me the change I’ve worked towards.  Show me the result of the work and the beating.  Give me something positive back out of all of this.  Please.

Rather than get totally downtrodden, I look to find something positive to keep me going.  I was told about Elephant Journal which has been wonderful.  It’s loaded with fantastic writing and positivity.  It definitely helps.  Today, I read a post by a writer from Elephant Journal.  She’s a beautiful, inspirational girl and she was writing about walking through fear and pain, etc.  There was a part in the post which I had to go back and reread because it felt a little unfair.  She said that we write, drink, do yoga, read, etc, etc….not a direct quote, but close, in order to escape and avoid our feelings.  That, instead of distracting ourselves from our misery we should embrace it and feel all of it (seriously, not a direct quote, just what I can remember taking out of it).  I have to say, that to completely feel every single emotion that we go through in a day can level you.  Especially during times of extreme stress, sadness, responsibility.  I have people who depend on me to not fall apart.  I have a gaggle of small children who rely on me for every single thing in their little lives.  I have a husband who relies on me to keep everything moving smoothly and to support him in his responsibilities, I have a mother who needs me to take care of her medical needs because she isn’t in a position to do it for herself.  I am expected to work whenever I am called.  I also have committed to extra administrative work for a colleague because we need the money.  I am trying to resurrect my long dead and buried financial business.  I am being asked to mentor and train someone I’ve had a relationship with who is new to my business.  I have a lot of plates spinning precariously on tall spikes and no one to help me catch any of them if they fall.  Unfortunately, falling apart and walking through every flicker of emotion is a luxury.  It’s all well and good to pour your heart out and encourage others to do the same, but we can’t all be young and perfect and unencumbered, living life on a beach, reading spirituality books and practicing yoga.  Sometimes, we have to just keep going because that is the only option available at the time.  Maybe when the pressure eases and the responsibility is lessened, maybe then we can wade through the emotional guk that is left over.

Now that I’ve completely gone off track, I’ll bring it back around.  It’s a hard thing to be a mother to young children and a daughter to an ill parent.  For me personally, I find myself feeling now for my mother, the way I feel for my kids – if they are awake, I should be with them.  Regardless of anything else.  For the most part, if my kids are home and my husband is home, I do whatever they want or I tidy the house so that I am available should anyone need anything.  The only time I take for myself or for my work is when they are asleep or at work/school.  Now, with my mom being so sick and being stuck in a home, I feel the same with her.  I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring her home and have her around any chance I get.  Even if we’re not interacting I feel like it’s my duty to have her here with me and my family.

My husband is on me regularly these days about taking better care of myself.  I agree, I need to.  The first thing to go for me when I’m stressed is my appetite and my motivation to work out.  I realize that it’s hypocritical of me to whine about a parent who didn’t take care of herself, when I am guilty of doing the same thing right now.  I’m just so tired.

I’m trying to keep my chin up.  I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is just a short period of my life, that I will learn from and look back on (hopefully) with gratitude for the time I was given and the lessons I learned and the opportunity of being available to provide this care to her. Right now though, I am tired and worn down.  It has been a wretched couple of weeks.  I felt very much like she had already passed away.  That probably sounds strange and it was.  I don’t know where the feeling came from.  She had fallen and been sent to the hospital.  This went on for over a week with constant headaches and requests for CT scans and daily phone calls from the home.  I had another epic run in with her crazy sister which really sent me into a spin.  She told me I had my mom “locked up in that place” and that she was “trying to break her out”.  Can you imagine!?  My mother requires 24/7/365 care and isn’t cognitively fully aware at all times of her complete medical condition and this woman is accusing me of locking up her up and throwing away the key.  As though she is perfectly fit to live independently.

My brother wants nothing to do with her, but when pressed says he should at least be told when she passes and he guesses he has to come.  Fuck!  Really!  The funny thing is that that is a huge improvement from a year ago.  I will say that when he did call back he was gracious enough to hear me out and listen to the entire story of what has transpired these last few weeks.  It was a relief to tell someone.

So she goes for surgery in two weeks.  I believe the doctor is competent and compassionate and will limit the amputation to what is absolutely necessary.  She had very little reaction when told of the procedure.  I had my little ones with me and my youngest has trouble with wounds ever since her dad’s accident so she was quite upset.  There was a lot going on with the crying three year old and the blood dripping on the floor.  We didn’t get a chance to talk about it.

I feel bad for her that this is the reality.  I also feel angry that her poor choices are now my problem.  Fuck that sounds selfish.  I can’t do anything to change things for her.  I’m doing my best to see that she is being well cared for.  The entire situation just feels shitty.  What do you say?   How do you sit and have a conversation with someone who feels like they made the wrong choices and it make it ok for them?  I do it.  I justify it and relate and tell her we all do it and we all make mistakes, which is true.  I feel like a shitty parent daily.  It’s not my job to tell her she made mistakes, she knows that. It’s not my job to make her feel like a dick.  But I also can’t sit there and tell her she was an awesome mother.  I can’t cry and tell her she was the best mommy in the world.  I used to think she was when I was little.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I’m sure there were many moments when my young mind questioned her words, actions and behaviour.  But I don’t remember them.  It took me until well into my 20s to really question her.  And now I need to move on.  I have my own family to worry about and care for.  My own children to provide love and support and guidance to.  I want out.  I want to be free from the negativity of my history.

But not yet. I really don’t know if I’m ready for that.  I’m sure there will be a cesspool of crap to climb through before I get out of it completely.

Oh well.

Monday was the day we went to my friend’s mom’s funeral. And the day we got the news about my husband’s layoff.  While initially, I willingly admit, these two things might appear to be less than fantastic happenings, there are amazing things coming from them.  I quickly saw that my life is changing and I am changing.  My perspective is changing and I’m thinking, it’s about bloody time.  lol

One of the wonderful things (I think and hope) that has come out of my Monday is a new page called “Inspired by the details.”  So named (by me, still awaiting approval from my partner in crime) by her connection to “Details” and for me “Inspired” because that is exactly what I am looking to be.  Or am and just don’t always know it.  Not sure yet.  Anyway, here’s the concept.  My friend loves photography and wants to do more of it and her and I have had different conversations about starting some co-creative project together.  While my mind was racing in light of the layoff news, it came to me that I needed to just write.  About anything.  I don’t care.  Funny, weird, heavy, light, emotional, nonsensical….I don’t care!!!!  So the proposition/challenge I put to her was, that she must provide me with one photo daily and I, in turn, will write about it.  Keep in mind, the photos can be of absolutely Anything!  haha….How fun is that!!!?  I hope she’s in because I think it has the potential to be one of the most incredible experiences of our lives.  I’m kicking it off with a photo I took (don’t laugh!) 🙂 and a little tribute to my girl.

In 2013, my husband lost a finger and a bit.

In 2014, my mother in law tried to ruin my marriage and my mother almost died.

So far in 2015, I went to the funeral for the mother of an old, dear friend and on our way home, my husband, our sole provider, got laid off from his job.

This would ordinarily be the part where I freak out.  I have four kids, a mortgage, just starting to think about recovering from the past year and a half of less than adequate income and now this.  Woo hoo!!!!!  Oh ya, and today is my daughter’s 9th birthday.

As we drove, I felt the sick, tingly fear coursing through my veins and I was screaming “Fuck, fuck, fuck…over and over (in my head of course, not aloud 🙂 ).  I’m not going to lie and say it just rolled off my back.  Not so.  The panic, however, didn’t last long.  I mean really, what can you do?  The wheels start turning, plans start hatching and I go into survival mode.

It’s a shitty, stressful situation to find ourselves in.  Thankfully we are both skilled and ready to get busy setting things right.  We spent part of the day polishing his resume, applied to a job, looked into some other jobs and evaluating our options.  Once I was done with his stuff, I turned to my own tasks.

I’ve been trying to register for an online service since Friday in order to order a report I need to proceed with a deal I am currently working on.  I probably had to call support three or four times before we finally figured out that my primary email account was blocking my registration email from arriving.  Great!  I finally gain access to the system.  Check!

Then, I log into my account with the local school board to check for postings.  If I’m going to have childcare, I may as well go out to work, if I can.  There are two postings I am interested in and I am already booked into a training session which will provide me with one of the requirements for the posting I am really interested in.  In I go to apply to these jobs.  Well, there is a reason I have always preferred to work for small to medium sized businesses as opposed to large corporate enterprises.  I fucking hate them.  Period.  I’m not cut out for it.  I hate their systems.  If I had one browser page open, I had six open.  I’m not that tech savvy.  I’m lucky I can post this.  So back and forth, back and forth, finally get one application completed and hit submit and……error message.  No shit!  Ok, back, resubmit, error message.  Ok, log out, log back in, redo application form, skipping from one page to the next, complete, submit…..error message!!!  Ok, log out, give up, email manager.  Check on course outline for tomorrow and posting it supports.  Read pre-requisites…hmmmm….Shit!…I don’t have them…how did I miss this when I registered?  Quickly, email the administrator who is looking for spots, tell her about my mistake and unregister myself.  Usually I get along decently with my computer and I can get through it.  Today, I got it.  I finally got why people can be driven to launch their computers right through the nearest window or wall.  In my case, because now I can’t buy a new one, I just started crying.  Now, when I need to work more than ever, how do I explain to my husband that I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow because I couldn’t even register for a class properly?  Manager calls me back, tells me that the IT department is working to rectify the problem because apparently the inability to apply for jobs isn’t just me.  It’s an actual thing.  Whew!  Now that we’ve spoken she makes a notation and I am free to apply to these jobs even after the 4pm deadline.  Log back into my webmail, turns out I do have the pre-reqs for tomorrow’s training session, too bad I already unregistered.  Wahhhh!!!!!  Oh please, oh please, give me my spot back…best administrator ever!  She does.  I’m back in and back on track.  Walk away.

Time to go pick up my girls.  Thankfully, papa bear made the birthday cake.  Now I just have to ice it.  Oh and wrap the gifts and buy the card.  Can’t get to the gifts because he’s in the bedroom sleeping (I stash everything in my closet).  Leave my girl in the car while I run in and buy her card on her birthday.  Really!!!!  Seriously, it’s been a rough, busy couple of weeks.  Home, back to the computer.  Apply for both jobs…successfully.  Check!  Back into appraisal system….I’m not shitting you when I say I tried about 8 times to order this report.  I finally got it done.  Check!  Really feeling done with the computer.  Sit down to write this…cord comes out, which of course shuts my laptop down immediately because I fried my battery long ago.  Here we go again.

Seemed like a tough day.  I said to my husband, that even if things were static and we weren’t in this pickle that today, with my computer issues I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together.  I’ll admit that I have no patience.  I feel like a dick.  But my daughter, is so lovely.  I don’t spoil them on their birthdays, but I felt like today she was little shortchanged with her gifts from us.  Her cake, although, delicious and super amazingly moist, didn’t ice particularly well.  Not our prettiest collaboration.  All she had to say was that this was her best birthday ever and all she wanted was for me to sit down and snuggle with her.  She knows what’s going on and she showed me today how spectacular she is.  She genuinely seemed to mean it when she appeared happy with her gifts and her dinner and cake.  I felt like I had disappointed her and my hubby asked if there was anything she had asked for that we didn’t already get her.  While we’re feeling shitty, she’s trying to make us feel better.  She’s a gem.  I love her with all my heart.  I’m seeing her grow, mature and thrive.  She’s happy, healthy and loving.  I will work every day to be the mother she deserves.

Happy 9th Birthday Turtle!  I love you so much!